Here am I

“Here am I. Sitting at my keyboard; lost in multiple ways and meanings. The windows are open. The fresh, warm Spring air is wafting through my apartment. I can see beautiful, violet blooms some fifty feet past the top of my Chromebook video screen. I’ve just finished my scotch while listening to inspiring music from my Android phone in my Bluetooth headphones/hearing aids. I’m one of the weird-ohs who likes to find an inspiring tune and listen over and over until I’m sick of it; which often takes a very long time and comes way after anyone else would be searching for a hammer to smash the phone.

The day is quiet. Hardly anyone is moving about the retirement community in which I make my home. I enjoy the quiet and the wonderful feel of the Spring air except that it feels artificially created due to the ongoing pandemic. It seems that the next several months will be lost as the world stays inside unable to enjoy the wonders of Spring/Summer, nature’s promise and the tantalizing carrot of normalcy. Normal. When, if ever will that return?

Yes, I’m one of those at extreme risk for the virus due to age and multiple underlying medical conditions. I believe, but I am afraid to say out loud, that I would not survive an infection of this new virus. But almost equally disturbing is watching my country with its familiar and comfortable societal and governmental norms, drift into oblivion. My twitter feed is awash in repeated terms like unbelievable, unprecedented, polarized, historic, immoral, incompetent, . . . I’m naturally a close follower of national and local news. But these days I try not to watch.

So, “Here am I.” I remember this phrase from this past Sunday’s Church service. The discussion was about the story of Moses, who famously heard God call to him from a burning bush. I’m adopting his answer to my own present circumstances. It seems appropriate, although I’m not addressing God. Well, perhaps I am in a subconscious way. I see no burning bushes but as I sit in the eerie quiet I am afraid I see my very way of life burning in front of me. A disease has exposed the inequality and brokenness of our country’s health care “system”. Tens of thousands are dying. Our economic “system” is quickly breaking down on a massive scale. And the leader of our federal government is exposed as the emperor without his clothes; incompetent, clueless, and immature.

“Here am I”. The world is burning. You have my attention. I’m not saying the virus is sent from God to punish us, immoral humans. I don’t believe that. But it's just a fact that sometimes life smacks you in the face and says, “Hey! Pay attention. Urgent action is needed”. But I feel completely unable to do anything positive. Yes, I call neighbors and family to check on them. I stay home to protect myself and others. Then I think I should be organizing in the streets to deliver groceries and march on Washington to lobby for safe, fair elections and kick out our mentally sick leader. Oh wait — can’t do any of that. It’s social distancing, you know. Tell me again when we entered the Twilight Zone?

I find it’s tremendously helpful to talk to family, friends, neighbors, and others even though we just share our fears and hopes. I really miss the ability to shake hands, kindly slap a shoulder or hug. Remote-video will have to do. Whoever thought the Internet would be such an essential tool for mental well being. Streaming TV shows and movies are a nice distraction. But that’s all. The easy availability of music is uplifting in a unique way. Just lifting my spirits and getting me through all this seems incredibly selfish somehow. So I put “pen to paper” so to speak as I peck out these thoughts on my keyboard perhaps for kindred souls to read.

“Here am I”. And I see you too. Let’s comfort each other. Let’s reassure each other that, as soon as this is over, we’ll all be dedicated to correcting mistakes and digging in to make our post-virus world a much better place. Let’s just hope there is enough of it left to work with. But just like Moses, I don’t feel at all qualified or the right one for the job. Perhaps if we all work together we can do ok. And if we ask God’s help, he will point us in the right direction and help us out.